Does Anybody Know What Filk it Is?

[Mr. Woodhope]

"Fast As A Dwarf" (To the tune of Accept's best song "Fast As A Shark")

Combat begins
He squares his chin
His initiative is high

Dressed in full plate mail
He’s swift as a snail
Just taking his sweet time

The time has come
And he’s the one
Who’s running from behind

Moving really slow
He’ll make it though
Oh, don’t cha know

Fast as a dwarf, he’s too overloaded
He’s a pack mule – he carries our stuff
From the rear of the pack, lugging the loot sack
He’s too encumbered to attack

Got the knack
Coming from the back
In a couple rounds he’ll attack

Just a sec
Let me check
Maybe next round he’ll fight

Fast as a dwarf, he’s too overloaded
He’s a pack mule – he carries our stuff
From the rear of the pack, hauling a loot sack
He’s too encumbered to attack

Don’t pout – don’t shout

Fast as a dwarf, he’s too overloaded
He’s a pack mule – he has too much stuff
From the rear of the pack, lugging the loot sack
He’s too encumbered to attack

Fast as a dwarf, he’s too overloaded
He’s a pack mule – he carries our stuff
From the rear of the pack, lugging the loot sack
He’s too encumbered
He’s too encumbered
He’s too encumbered to attack

[Zur]

ALWAYS SOMETHING THERE TO DESTROY ME (Sung to the tune of "Always Something There to Remind Me" by Burt Bacharach)

I walk along these dungeon halls, you used to send orcs and goblins after me
And every beast I fight reminds me of how much easier things used to be
Oh, how can i forgive you, DM?
When there's always something there to destroy me
Always something there to destroy me

Just inside the place, I fell through the floor into some green slime
And I can't help recalling how much more damage it did than the first time
Oh, how can i forgive you, DM?
When there's always something there to destroy me
Always something there to destroy me

I was born to battle, and to lose my h.p.
You're gonna be the death of me, whoa oh whoa

If you should find you miss the quaint and easy campaign you used to run
Just let us roll up some first-level dudes, and it could be fun
Oh, how can i forgive you, DM?
When there's always something there to destroy me
Always something there to destroy me

I was born to battle, and to lose my h.p.
You're gonna be the death of me, whoa oh whoa

Always something there to destroy me
Always something there to destroy me
Always something there to destroy me
Always something there to destroy me

[Dav'l]

Fork  (to the tune of "Spoon" by Can)

Fighting on the moon for the Trident of Doom
It's no masterwork, it's just a big fork
Don't get mad it's not worth your time
It's no big thing, I'm getting a sling

Into trouble he flew, now the bird has turned blue
He'll have to change soon, he'll look like a cartoon
Trident's near, hope it's nice
It better suffice, that's a helluva price

Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's

Salamander strewn, I wish I was immune
to the fire monsoon at the lunar high noon
Damage high, half my life
Hope to the gods I can get out alive

Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's
Oh, lets just leave it there, nobody else uses their's

[Zur]

I think it's funny you think the sling's gonna suck. 

[Dav'l]

I think it's funny you think the sling's gonna suck. 

I don't think it's gonna suck.  Everything you've hinted at leads me to believe it will be a truly exeptional weapon.  It doesn't, however, cleave my foe in twain before me.  I will miss the warm spray of blood and viscera as the filthy orcs, ogres and elves fall beneath my Great Axe of Bad-assitude. 

I meant orcs and ogres.  Just orcs and ogres.

[Nyther]

 

[Shotoku]

My Very Least Favorite Things (sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" by Oscar Hammerstien II and Richard Rodgers)
for Dav'l

Slingshots and arrows and long distance weapons;
Bloodless short battles with magic and potions;
Spellcraft that binds me as if tied with strings;
These are my very least  favorite things.

Big orcs and ogres and elves with big noses;
Lame fatigue healing when I'm down on hit points;
Druids that take craps while flapping their wings;
These are my very least  favorite things.

Thieves hanging back when they should be out scouting;
Fireballs burning the flesh off our halfling;
Wizards consorting to hoard robes and rings;
These are my very least  favorite things.

When the blood flows,
When the bones snap,
When I'm swimming in guts,
I'm frenzying in my favorite things,
Well then I don't feel so bad.

[Dav'l]

Awesome.  And it's about me.