I dropped the ball on the Carpenters Filk Off, so...

[Nazurahei]

Allow me to lead off this week's festivities.

HAIR OF THE DEAD (Sung to the tune of “Hair of the Dog” by Nazareth)

Dread Watcher, game of gotcha
We’d better turn tail and flee
Tomb mirage, creepy visage
Hope the cleric don’t trample me

Ice cold villain
Our blood he’s spillin’
Don’t know what we can do

Chorus:

Now we’re messin’ with a
A pseudo-lich
Now we’re messin’ with a pseudo-lich
Now we’re messin’ with a
A pseudo-lich
Now we’re messin’ with a pseudo-lich

Kinda scary statuary
All around this nasty ghoul
Dungeon master, quite the bastard
You know we’re only level 2

Ice cold villain
Our blood he’s spillin’
Don’t know what we can do

Bridge

Chorus

The bard takes a solo on his lute

Chorus

[Smiling Jack]

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE!?!  I HEARD FAINT COWBELLS FROM OFF IN THE DISTANCE!!!

[Nazurahei]

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE!?!  I HEARD FAINT COWBELLS FROM OFF IN THE DISTANCE!!!

We can always keep the cowbell theme going and have people filk to "American Band," "Don't Fear the Reaper" and "Mississippi Queen."

[Nazurahei]

If no one else will run with the cowbell, I suppose I will.

CEMETERY QUEEN (Sung to the tune of “Mississippi Queen” by Mountain)

Cemetery Queen
She made the graveyard scene
Cemetery Queen
It’s something obscene

Way down around Waterdeep, around the City of the Dead
Lived a creepy lady, we called her Cemetery Queen
She was a dread necromancer
But she claimed she was a scribe

While the rest of them dudes were'a looking for death,
Buddy, beg your pardon, I was finding mine!

Cemetery Queen
She made the graveyard scene
Cemetery Queen
It’s something obscene

This lady she asked me, if I wanted more life
You know that I told her, why, that would be nice
She turned me into a zombie
Now, I’m shambling all around

While the rest of them dudes were looking for life
Buddy, beg your pardon, I was losing mine!

She was a dread necromancer
But she claimed she was a scribe

While the rest of them dudes were'a looking for death,
Brotha, beg your pardon, I was finding mine!
Ohhhh, Cemetery Queen

[Smiling Jack]

He's an Ill Clerical Man (to the tune of "We're an American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad)

In a tomb a couple days
Deacon looks a bit unwell-- a general malaise
Twice now he's vomited, that's a fact
Must be something wrong with his digestive tract
It must be that undead thing
That funky smell makes his stomach sing
Belly's churning, face is white
Well, maybe he can keep it off his shoes tonight.

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
Hey people don't look now, our cleric's blowing chow
He's an Ill clerical man

Seven pussies in Dragonford
Six had to dodge the technicolor roar
Ain't good, ain't right, it smells like shit
Now the filthy dwarf is rolling in it
Gotta think of something, something quick
Gotta stop the cleric from always getting sick
This is the third time, it ain't no fluke
We'll just have to get used to watching him puke

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
He fights a pseudo-lich, it makes his stomach pitch
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
Nothing that we can do, sit back and watch him spew
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
A tad bit out of sorts, and now he's fouled his shorts
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
He's coming to your town, best lay some sawdust down.
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man, ooo-ooo.
He's an Ill clerical man, ooo-ooo.
He's an Ill clerical man, ooo-ooo.

[Nazurahei]

He's an Ill Clerical Man (to the tune of "We're an American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad)

In a tomb a couple days
Deacon looks a bit unwell-- a general malaise
Twice now he's vomited, that's a fact
Must be something wrong with his digestive tract
It must be that undead thing
That funky smell makes his stomach sing
Belly's churning, face is white
Well, maybe he can keep it off his shoes tonight.

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
Hey people don't look now, our cleric's blowing chow
He's an Ill clerical man

Seven pussies in Dragonford
Six had to dodge the technicolor roar
Ain't good, ain't right, it smells like shit
Now the filthy dwarf is rolling in it
Gotta think of something, something quick
Gotta stop the cleric from always getting sick
This is the third time, it ain't no fluke
We'll just have to get used to watching him puke

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
He fights a pseudo-lich, it makes his stomach pitch
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
Nothing that we can do, sit back and watch him spew
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
A tad bit out of sorts, and now he's fouled his shorts
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man
He's an Ill clerical man
He's coming to your town, best lay some sawdust down.
He's an Ill clerical man

He's an Ill clerical man, ooo-ooo.
He's an Ill clerical man, ooo-ooo.
He's an Ill clerical man, ooo-ooo.

A masterpiece! 

[Náriël Telemnar]

Pencil Jar (to the tune of "Holiday" by Nazareth)

Now that I’m blind, I’m in a bind,
Gonna get me a pencil jar
Poor hin’s sightless, Clerics might bless,
Charity is what they suggest.

Whorin’ is way too hard
I don’t want any part of that scene
I got no sight, what a sad plight,
Gonna get me a pencil jar.

Need a pencil jar, need a pencil jar

Cleric, cleric, please need my eyesight back
I don’t want to be a sad sack
Cleric, cleric, please have some pity
I don’t want to wander the city
Cleric, cleric, please restore me
I just want to be whole again
Cleric, cleric, please: restoration!

Now that I’m blind, don’t be unkind
Just one copper for a pencil
Lookin’ for sympathy
Least I’m not an amputee
in Waterdeep
Ask the cleric what pleas he knows
Prayers he’s got, lots of those.

Now that I’m blind, feelin’ maligned,
Just can’t run from this cursed fate.

Need a pencil jar, need a pencil jar

Cleric, cleric, please need my eyesight back
I don’t want to be a sad sack
Cleric, cleric, please have some pity
I don’t want to wander the city
Cleric, cleric, please restore me
I just want to rejoin the squad
Cleric, cleric, please: restoration!
I’ll accept Torm as my new god.

Need a pencil jar, need a pencil jar

[Náriël Telemnar]

He's an Ill Clerical Man (to the tune of "We're an American Band" by Grand Funk Railroad)

...and now I have tears in my eyes cause that was so funny.

[Náriël Telemnar]

I cannot believe that Sanford and I are the only true Nazareth fans out there. And we even left you the easy "Love Hurts"!

[Smiling Jack]

Being the sole Grand Funk fan this week, I can commiserate.  I even left you...  um...