Never filk a 13 minute rap

Trapper's Delight (to the tune of the Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight")

I said a trip trap the trippie the trippie
To the trip trip trap, a you dont stop
To unlock it face the dang dang danger we all face the danger
To the rhythm of the danger, the trap
Now what you hear is not a trap--I'm rappin 'bout our quest
And me, my crew--my new friends--are gonna tell ya 'bout our latest test
See I am Wonderhin and I'd like to just say hi
To the orc, to the dwarf, the mage, and the drow, the cleric and the scribe
But first I gotta dang dang the danger to the danger
Say up jump the danger to the dang dang danger
Don't unlock, you dont stop
It's the pitfall that will make your body drop
Well so far you've heard my voice but I brought two friends along
And next on the mic is my main scribe
Come on, scribe, sing that song

Check it out, i'm the N-A-Z-U-the R-A-I
And the rest is A-O-K
Ya see i go by the code of the master of the pen
And these reasons I'm about to say
Ya see i'm six foot one and i'm tons of Glum
And I dress to a T
Ya see I wear more black than Johnny Cash and I wear it morbidly
I read Sylvia Plath, I read Emily D
It really puts me in a mood
When the party's not out fighting I
Like to sit around and brood
After I write I go out at night
To bring peace to this fine town
If we don't slay, the thugs get away
And I got a new reason to frown
hear me talkin bout sp, gp, more pp
Than a sucker could ever spend
I hate to sound sappy but it won't make me happy
To new misery I descend
Ya go common room, throne room whatcha gonna do today (say what)
They try to get this girl to give up some lovin
Have to tell those boys no way
Everybody go common room, throne room, great dining hall
When this girl won't give it up, take Felosial
Brother C, my fellow
Its on you so what you gonna do

Well it's on n on n on on n on
The beat dont wait till the break of dawn
I said C-L-E, R-I-C, a priest for the church of Torm
I said I go by the unforgettable name
Of the man they call Deacon Mourn
Well, my smell is known all over the world
In the places I barfed and the places I hurled
I'm goin down in history
As the illest cleric there could ever be
now my temperature's high, I'm rumblin' down low
Wonderhin, you better look out below
Ya all pinch shut your nose at the smell of my spew
Nobody else look ya might get sick too
You say "damn, deacon's stomach is weak"
You say "damn, every day of the week"
Then ya throw your hands high in the air
Ya say "I wish our cleric would grow a pair"
It doesn't even help if I say a prayer
Look at all the stains on the shirt I wear
Now, I'm not as hardened as the rest of the group
But I sure can knock my foes for a loop
I may have given up a part of my wealth
But it still feels good to fix a friend's health
singin on n n on n on n on
the beat dont wait until the break of dawn
singin on n n on n on on n on
like a hot buttered a pop da pop da pop dibbie dibbie
pop da pop pop ya dont dare stop
come alive yall gimme what ya got
You can guess by now I can take a punch
And even withstand an owlbear munch
But that's okay I still keep in stride
Even with an acid arrow stickin' outta my side
singin on n n on n on n on
the beat dont wait until the break of dawn
singin on n n on n on on n on
rock rock yall I throw up on the floor
im gonna throw up here im gonna throw up there
Got a doorman dwarf who has come prepared
He picked up some skills working down at the inn
He'll put sic-sic-sickness out in the trash bin
I said 1-2-3-4, come on dwarf mop up the floor
A-come alive, yall a-come place your bets
Cause it's guaranteed my shirt's gonna get wet
I said 1-2-3-4 tell me Wonderhin what are you waitin for?

I said a trip trap the trippie the trippie
To the trip trip trap, a you dont stop
To unlock it face the dang dang danger we all face the danger
To the rhythm of the danger, the trap
Skiddlee beebop a we rock a scoobie doo
And guess what Waterdeep we love you
For protection you part with so much gold
Though the neighborhood watch is one week old
I dont mean to brag I dont mean to boast
But we're livin' in the tower of a wizard ghost
Rock it up Waterdeep
Waterdeep to the danger the dang dang the danger
It's a sweet suite, its so unique
Don't worry anybody it's three days up the street

I said a trip trap the trippie the trippie
To the trip trip trap, a you dont stop
To unlock it face the dang dang danger we all face the danger
To the rhythm of the danger, the trap
People startin' to wonder 'bout the scope of my skills
Wonder how my thievin' can pay my bills
Got to tell you all that it isn't easy
The stress is just enough to make the cleric queasy
Plus I'm constantly dealing with the undead
& the drow's 'gina lips flappin' by my head
But I'm starting to fall into my groove
When the money flows I think you'll all approve
Just ask our worthy scribe
She's got a pad of paper where she describes
Come on scribe, don't prove me wrong
To the rhythm of the danger da dang dang da song

Thank you imp, the shrimp, the three-foot wimp
You've done your chore but we still need more
I'm the penmaster with the evil vibe
I'm the dread nec--whoops--I'm the humble scribe
and when you come to me to have your copies done
You do it long after the setting of the sun
I'm just not a big fan of the light of day
And I still favor black over deep, dark grey
And from day to day and from time to time
Skeletons climb up outta the slime
If the cleric can't turn 'em 'cause he has to puke
I step up to those bones and rebuke
And if some don't stop and still keep walking
My hatchets will be doing the talking
And if some do damage to some degree
Just make sure you don't try to heal me
It's not that I'm evil, (although I'm not good)
Let's just say that this scribe's misunderstood
Now let me take a break and introduce my crew
If you already know them here's a little review
Got a half-orc here, don't call him Aflac
Chews on skeleton bones for a tasty snack
"You travel with a half-orc, why take the chance?"
Well, none of you have seen him do his sexy dance
If we need a cleric to cover the deacon's sick call
We got an easy drow named Felosial
But before you get worked up and decide to ball
It's like throwin a hot dog down the hall
The dwarf named Kralig is our dedicated brute
Thinking things out is not his strong suit
Why do they call him Knucklebreaker you may suppose
If you want to break his you'll have to punch his nose
And to round things out we have a warmage
His spells are potent, his advice is sage
If his spells for the day don't do their thing
He keeps three magic missles in a special little ring
He'll sudue it, subdue it, subdue it, do it , do it
and we're here and we're there the neighborhood watch, we're everywhere
just throw your hands up in the air
and pray to Torm even though you dont care
let's do it dont stop yall a tick a tock yall you dont stop
Ya go common room, throne room whatcha gonna do today (say what)
They try to get this girl to give up some lovin
Have to tell those boys no way
Everybody go common room, throne room, great dining hall
When this girl won't give it up, take Felosial
I'm your humble scribe, what can i say
I take our exploits put them down on the page
I inventory the loot then dole it out
And pass the mic to Brother C so he could shock the house

It was twelve o'clock one friday night
Went to the Blue Flame Tavern to set the town right
Everybody was plannin' on the floor
'Cept for one little dwarf who was watchin' the door
And then this old, old elf with a mighty sword
Had us watch the city for no reward
We toured the 'hood looking for combat
And we found a hole chock full of rats
We found a dead disciple of my church
And found an amulet after a minor search
Had to take that sucker to it's rightful tomb
No matter what the chances of impending doom
Found a little town after a days ride
Folks that lived there would be our friends for life
The temple it appeared had been controled
By an evil litch with an evil goal
It was an evil plan such an evil deed
We wouldn't take that shit from no litch dill weed
We attacked his men with the power of prayer
Fought his minions, fought an owlbear
We were puttin' a stop to his evil scheme
He was messin' with a true D&D dream team
Face to face he tried to put up a fight
He was doomed to fall in the face of Torm's might
Going into battle I knew we'd rock it
Then the hin found a skull he named Mr Sockets
When we left the temple he said he's takin it home
Wonderhin you leave the skull alone
The skull is evil the skull is bad
The skull's gonna drive you stark raving mad
He said he'd bathe it, he'd walk it, he'd feed it food
Keeping this skull will be no damn good
Sure enough the whole town was dead
They were our friends for life before they went to bed
It was the evil skull that made them die
Had no chance to say goodbye
The evil of the skull of the skull the skull
Of the evil skull skull that made them null
The evil of the skull that gave this sting
had to get the hin to break that thing
now i got the hin comin on right now
he's guaranteed to make you look down
he goes by the name of Wonderhin
come on Wonderhin time to begin

Like a pint of ale that's sweeter than honey
Like the beautiful shine of ill-gotten money
Like a cover story that seems legit
Like a dwarf that doesn't smell like shit
Like a treasure chest without no traps
Like bangin' Felosial without gettin' the clap
Like an upper shelf not out of reach
Like when I couldn't see or hear the deacon preach
Like a bottle of milk that won't go bad
Mr. Sockets was the best friend I ever had
All the freaks freaked, and raised the alarm
Even though my little friend never did no harm
If they gave Mr. Sockets just a little bitty chance
They'd see he wasn't all that bad
Their decision was hasty was way too rushed
He mighta been a small skull's dad
They made me break him down into little bits
Sayin "Hin, you know it's right
You'd see it much better from our viewpoint
If you only had the height"
Their logic was hazy, their joke not funny
But I did it anyway
I choked back a tear, I buried him deep
And put a flower on his grave
The time came to travel, we went to the tower
Of an evil wizard's ghost
Looking at the place with it's blue force field
Gettin in should be a coast
We go underground into deep dark tunnels
Not knowingwhat we'd face
Who would have known we'd have to clean out
An owlbear's home base
Now we're about to get down to the point
We're making with this song
It's called "Trapper's Delight" but give me a break
It's thirteen minutes long
Please forgive us for making you read
All the introductory crap
But there's only so many rhymes one can make
About a couple of traps
I said a trip trap the trippie the trippie
To the trip trip trap, a you dont stop
To unlock it face the dang dang danger we all face the danger
To the rhythm of the danger, the trap
I say scribe, can you talk
Can ya talk about the traps that just dont stop
Can ya hip me to the shoobie doo
I said come on scribe, what ya gonna do

We went down to the room where the first trap was
Threw the very first lever just because
who knows why the group does what it does
Don't think first, just get shit done
The first force field dropped to the floor
Easy enough, there's just one more
Let's all move up and crowd the space
It's not like somethings gonna spray in our face
What came next was a big surprise
Acid sprayed out into our eyes
Let's all wait outside the door
Let the dwarf and the hin both search the floor
Now that they're done it's time to learn
How the levers work, gotta be a pattern
up, down, down, up every which way
Still the acid continues to spray
Hin and dwarf are soaked and starting to cuss
Deacon says "have we tried simultaneous?"
We try again their skin's turning to slime
Now they've both been sprayed five times
Let us come in and take a brief look
While you rest from the damage that you both took
That's when a little lever I did spy
There on the wall about chest high
Now the walls are down we can move on
The rest of the day should be a yawn
How many more traps could there be
Besides we got four skeleton keys
A tick a tock yall a beat beat yall
A lets rock yall ya dont stop
Ya go common room, throne room whatcha gonna do today (say what)
They try to get this girl to give up some lovin
Have to tell those boys no way
Everybody go common room, throne room, great dining hall
When this girl won't give it up, take Felosial
A like that yall to the trap yall
Trap trap yall ya dont stop
Brother C my fellow
its on you so whatcha gonna do

Well we used the keys to get through the next door
They fit in little keyholes down in the floor
Normally those holes would leave us in the lurch
But the floor's the one place that the hin can search
Went into the very next room
A mouth in the wall started preachin' our doom
It said "don't breathe" and let out a fume
Kinda got the point that it wasn't perfume
No it turned out to be a noxious gas
Twice as potent as the one from Rene's ass
From back behind us came a terrible sound
Of an iron door come crashing down
Had to get big, I had to get strong
Couldn't keep breathing those fumes for too long
I cast a few spells and lifted it high
Let all my fellows slide on by
Underneath the door I next did slide
Let it drop down, and keep the fumes inside
Next we faced a long hallway
It way the best sight of the entire day
Smooth sailing the rest of the way
Lookin' like the party's gonna be okay
Then the hin spotted on the floor
Another trap, a hidden door
No problem, we'll jump on past
The next hidden trap did not hold fast
We hit the floor and fell on down
Spike were sticking up all around
We take our time and sneak on by
Around the next corner what should we spy
Another trap in the floor but we've come prepared
Got ropes tied around our derrieres
At the back got a rope tied around the hin
How many of the pits is he gonna fall in?
We take our time, we move on past
Looks like the pit traps were the last
Made it by through Torm's good grace
Now we got a wizard tower for our home base
goin on n n on n on on n on
the beat dont wait until the break of dawn
a sayin on n n on n on on n on...
like a hot buttered de pop de pop de pop
a saying on n n on n on on n on
cause i'm a helluva priest when i'm on the mic
i am the definate feast delight
cause i'm a helluva priest when i'm on the mic
i am the definate feast delight
come to the Brother C you see
the Brother who prays so viciously