It's not as good as Brad's, but he inspired me to go old school

THE CARNAGE (Sung to the tune of “The Message” by Grandmaster Flash)

Hidden traps everywhere
Impaled on spikes, falling through air
You know this is some screwed up lair
I can’t take the damage, I can’t lose more points
Got a mission to move on, guess I got no choice
Pits in the hallways, poison in the rooms
Couldn’t have a worse trip on bad shrooms
I tried to jump over, but I couldn’t succeed
Cause a pit on the other side made me bleed

CHORUS:
Don’t push me, cause I’m close to the ledge
Try not to get spiked right through the head
Its like a dungeon sometimes, it makes me wonder
Why we do this so we can plunder

Walking through the labyrinth, damn force fields
I’m lurking through the hallways like a human shield
Crazy wizard, surrounded by traps
More spiked pits than you can shake a stick at
Search time for the hin, can he save our skins?
Looking for the pit, don’t end up on a spit
Down in the catacombs, listening for the skeletones
Wondering if we just shoulda stayed back home
But we went to this tower to fight the power
Trying to keep our heads up, refuse to cower

CHORUS

This dwarf must have failed his masonry class
Couldn’t find a sloping hall to save his ass
The hin can’t help, though he thinks he’s clever
“You gotta be at least this tall to find the lever”
Flip the switch and get sprayed right down
Enough stinging acid to make us drown
Got a party disfunction at a critical junction
The scribe has a zombie-summoning compunction
Got a queasy cleric watching my back
Gotta dry clean my cape if I hear him yack
Back track, slash-and-hack, recycled Gygax
Sometimes this game is whack, head to the patio and smoke some crack

CHORUS

War mage said “Hey, I’m all outta tricks”
But we can’t camp now, monsters replenish quick
Tie a rope around the fighter, send him across
Now it’s time to give the hin a toss
There’s gotta be an easier way into this dump
Everybody knows half-orcs can’t jump
Don’t mean to sound cheesy but it’s about the g.p.
In the land of Waterdeep I guess nothing’s easy
Just a week ago I was on the neighborhood watch
Now I’m underground playing pit hopscotch
Leaped over one, landed in the next
This screwy tower must be hexed
The lights come on every time I clap
And girls in force cages are talking crap
I feel like a clown, DM kicking us around
Haven’t found the wizard, but we’re already beat down

CHORUS

A patrol was born to guard back alleys
They called for help and we all rallied
Now here we are, three days away
Hoping we didn’t just walk into our grave
Racked up some x.p., packed up some g.p.
But we’re still stuck at level three
Hope I ain’t a baby to bawl
Don’t know if I can take any more dungeon crawl
The dwarf’s getting grumpier by the hour
The cleric’s vestments are smelling sour
Scribe keeps summoning stinking undead
And the drow’s on her knees giving them head
Skeletons, specters, zombies and ghouls
Keep those ghasts away from me, fool
The drow just smiles and she heads south
Hope a rotten member don’t come off in her mouth
The half orc’s dancing and Felosial’s prancing
Hope for his sake there’s no romancing
Mess with her, you’ll end up sick
Look like a rust monster touched your dick
Maybe that’s why the cleric’s green
He’s still throwing up, lost his healthy sheen
He sees a villain, and gets to illin’
Bet he needs a shot of penicillin
Still, here we are, searching around
Ascending the tower, leaving the ground
If we had a bard, he’d sing this sad sad song
I can’t believe this thing’s gone on so long

CHORUS