A new round of post-apocalyptic filks

[hoa nguyen]

NUCLEAR WINTER HOMESICK BLUES (Sung to the tune of “Subterranean Homesick Blues” by Bob Dylan)

Johnny’s in the mess tent
Mixing up ingredients
Gravy’s gonna ferment
It’s thicker than cement
The doctor in the lab coat
Got a chimp with a big brain
Bet he’s gone insane
It’s giving me a migraine
Look out now
Oprah’s gonna have a cow
God knows how
But the plot’s twisted up now
Albuquerque looks like the right way
Lookin’ for the lost men
Kimberly the reporter
Sure got a sharp pen
And she’ll show up in time
To stab us all again

Robots fleet of foot
Bodies full of soot
Wish we could stay put
Big brain’s gone kaput
What’s the plan anyway
Nobody can even say
Some kinda AI, maybe an IA
We're screwed either way
Look out now
Oprah can’t tell us how
Drive on through the snow
Orders from Agent Skow
Frost bit big toe
Hope I can keep my nose
Need to find some winter clothes
Don’t need a Geiger counter
To see the things that glow

Keep track, watch my back
Metal guts are outta whack
Sick fuck, Joe Jack
Got my panties in his fanny pack
He’s hard, a retard
Dumb hick from the sticks
Crazed nun with a gun
Sister swings an axe for fun
Look out now
Could use a snowplow
‘Cause undead with no heads
Survivalist inbreds
Hang around the wasteland
Applejack’s in the outhouse
Wishing he had a spouse
Panties wadded in his hand
Stretched out the waistband

Ah, Mike’s through, cut in two
Zombie cop, chop shop, let it drop
Uma’s face got erased
Put a sack in its place
Plot’s deep, low h.p. on my sheet
Buck’s cool, knows tools
Twenty years on the rez
And he’s ready for a crime spree
Look out, Clem
What are we doing again?
Better drive down to the coast
See if we can coast
Watch out for ghosts
And eat canned pot roast
Joe Jack’s talking romance
Got a hand down his pants
Ain’t hearing a word
‘Cause I’m deaf as a post

[Oprah]

LOL! Bravo!

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Hmm... Panties...  Never thought of that.

[Nazurahei]

Hmm... Panties...  Never thought of that.

Yeah, right. A blue pair is missing and I know just where they went.

Pathetic that a man your age has never been laid before.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Hmm... Panties...  Never thought of that.

Yeah, right. A blue pair is missing and I know just where they went.

Well, don't look at me.  I would've taken the pink pair with the "Hello, Kitty" on the front.

[hoa nguyen]

Hmm... Panties...  Never thought of that.

Yeah, right. A blue pair is missing and I know just where they went.

Well, don't look at me.  I would've taken the pink pair with the "Hello, Kitty" on the front.

So, you're saying that in addition to being a creepy stalker, you're also a child molester?

[Johnny The Cook]

So, you're saying that in addition to being a creepy stalker, you're also a child molester?

Isn't the old saying that you have sex with an asian right before becoming a child molester?

[hoa nguyen]

So, you're saying that in addition to being a creepy stalker, you're also a child molester?

Isn't the old saying that you have sex with an asian right before becoming a child molester?

 

[Joe Jack Onassis]

So, you're saying that in addition to being a creepy stalker, you're also a child molester?

Hey, I just know how much you Japanese types dig Hello Kitty.  And it's not like I'm stalking you.  You're right there by my side.  You haven't run off.  I know how much it means to you to have big, strong Applejack to protect you.

[hoa nguyen]

So, you're saying that in addition to being a creepy stalker, you're also a child molester?

Hey, I just know how much you Japanese types dig Hello Kitty.  And it's not like I'm stalking you.  You're right there by my side.  You haven't run off.  I know how much it means to you to have big, strong Applejack to protect you.

You ain't protecting shit, jack.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

You ain't protecting shit, jack.

Look who else didn't keep good notes.  And it's "Joe Jack."  But you can call me "Papa-san" if you want.

[hoa nguyen]

You ain't protecting shit, jack.

Look who else didn't keep good notes.  And it's "Joe Jack."  But you can call me "Papa-san" if you want.

So were you still all creepy and stalkerish back when you were a cop? Ever get brought up on "official oppression" charges?

[Joe Jack Onassis]

So were you still all creepy and stalkerish back when you were a cop? Ever get brought up on "official oppression" charges?

Sheriff's Deputy, and no.  I'm no stalker now, either.  Were you blind to love when you were a small-time, B&E, gang ho?

[hoa nguyen]

YELLOW FEVER (Sung to the tune of “Boogie Fever” by the Sylvers)

Yellow fever, he wants to wear that crown
Yellow fever, it’s gonna take him down

I’m crossing the ice and snow
With this deputy clown 
Keep looking for someplace safe to go
A restraining order to keep him down

CHORUS:
He's got the yellow fever
He wants wear that crown
Yellow fever
It’s gonna take him down

Never cared too much for the cops
Especially not this one
He keeps stealing my underwear
Taking them to the outhouse for a little fun

[CHORUS]

(All night long, he did the whup, whup, whup)
Yes he did, yes he did, yes he did, yeah
(He kept beating his schlong)
Doin’ the whup, whup, whup

I called Oprah on the radio
Said Oprah, Oprah, please
I got this stalker, such a shit talker
Can’t Dr. Phil cure his disease?

[CHORUS]

(All night long, he did the whup, whup, whup)
Yes he did, yes he did, yes he did, yeah
(He kept beating his schlong)
Doin’ the whup, whup, whup

Applejack's got the yellow fever
He wants to wear that crown
Yellow fever
I think it's gonna take him down

[CHORUS]

[hoa nguyen]

Come on, everybody.

We need filks to get this game started right.