Detroit Filk!

[Joe Jack Onassis]

The Doc is a User #62 (Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa)  (to the tune of "Rocket Reducer No. 62 (Rama Lama Fa Fa Fa)" by the MC5)

You gave us a poke back
On the right track
To do your dirty work for you
Till we've broken our backs
You know I got to keep it up
'Cause I'm a driven man
I'm a reborn holy hellion
And I don't give a damn

We'll fix this jam for you, baby
Play your sham for you, baby
We'll fix this jam for you, baby
Play your sham for you, baby 
We'll fix this jam for you

Workin' here to help you, Doctor
Don't forget
You think this is for free?
You will be in our debt
I'll say, CLICK, BLAM!
GOODBYE, ADAM!
I'm a reborn world savior
And still don't give a damn

We'll fix this jam for you, baby
Play your sham for you, baby
We'll fix this jam for you, baby
Play your sham for you, baby 
We'll fix this jam for you

Lead...
Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa
Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa
Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa
Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa...

Don't try and bullshit us, Doctor
Don't think that we're blind
Although you're up to no good
We'll get your giant mind
Remember there's a cost
And I'm a vengeful man
Joe Jack Onassis' the name
Try to fuck me, you're damned

We'll fix this jam for you, baby
Play your sham for you, baby
We'll fix this jam for you, baby
Play your sham for you, baby 
We'll fix this jam for you

Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa
Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa
Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa
Rama Scam-a Fa Fa Fa...

[Johnny The Cook]

Try the Meat Loaf (to the tune of "Don't You Want Me?" by the Human League)


I was traveling through the wasteland with a dead-end crew
Not much to do.
Rolled into town
Looked for a bar and looked for a drink
But didn’t have one TU.

Now we’re new in this town, never been here before
What is a short order cook to do?
The inn’s kitchen is stocked with ketchup, crackers and spam
It’s time to whip up something new.

Try
Try the meat loaf
You just will not believe it
Get a taste of Johnny’s Meat Loaf.
Try
Try the meat loaf
You just will not believe it
When you taste "Hawaiian" Meat Loaf.

My boots are caked with mud
And it’s true I’m dripping blood
But tell me how’s the meatloaf, does it make you horny?

Try the meat loaf, baby
Try the meat loaf  - oh oh oh oh
Try the meat loaf, baby
Try the meat loaf  - oh oh oh oh

I was travelin’ through the wasteland with a dead-end crew -
That much is true.
Not too much food to eat, just whatever we could scrounge
I'd throw it all in a stew.

This Albuquerque inn has got power and grub
It’s a classy joint.
I better make this good if I want some Trade Units
I’ll even spend two Action Points.

Try
Try the meat loaf
You just will not believe it
Get a taste of Johnny’s Meat Loaf.
Try
Try the meat loaf
You just will not believe it
When you taste ol’ Johnny’s Meat Loaf.

I really am a cook
Even though my hand’s a hook
Just tell me how’s the meatloaf, does it make you horny?

Try
Try the meat loaf - You just will not believe it...
Try the meat loaf, baby
Try the meat loaf  - oh oh oh oh
Try the meat loaf, baby
Try the meat loaf  - oh oh oh oh...

[Spark]

Jaime should be happy.

[Brand Nar Gath]

One thing is for sure... meatloaf will never be the same.  And as far as the 4 or 6 rolls 'to cook' under 7 go;  well, rats and zombies gotta eat as well as paying customers.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

But tell me how’s the meatloaf, does it make you horny?

Never have I found a line from a filk quite so disturbing.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Meatloaf's Shitty Blues (Make Me Wanna Vomit) (to the tune of Marvin Gaye's "Inner City Bues (Make Me Wanna Holler)"

Dah, dah, dah, dah
dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah

Atomic bombs dropped
Got no more food shops
Meatloaf, he makes it
"Does it taste good?"--we fake it

Oh, make me wanna vomit
Won't eat one more slice
Oh, make me wanna vomit
Won't eat one more slice
This ain't dinin', This ain't dinin'
No, no baby, this ain't dinin'
No, no, no

"Seconds?"--no chance
Hoa's lucky for her gut transplant
Swallow--I'm tryin'
Spam don't make it "Hawaiian"

Oh, make me wanna vomit
Won't eat one more slice
Oh, make me wanna vomit
Won't eat one more slice

Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah

Meatloaf's so gamey
Got bone shards, it's greasy
Got a rotten scent
Wonder where his other hand went

Oh, make me wanna vomit
I throw up In my mouth
Yea, it makes me wanna vomit
I throw up In my mouth

Stomach's queasy
Now my sphincter's releasing
Brown stain spreading
What's in this meatloaf Johnny fed me
Oh, make me wanna vomit
This shit I can't stand

Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah
Dah, dah, dah

Johnny, Johnny
Your culinary career is done
But it never really started
'Cause your cook skill's only one

[hoa nguyen]

JUST PUT IT ON (Sung to the tune of “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye)

I've been really tryin', baby
Tryin' to hold down this meatloaf for so long
And if you don’t cover up that face, Uma
Chunks will be blown, oh, blown
Just put it on
Ah, Uma, just put it on
Use that bag, baby
Just put it on, sugar
Just put it on

We're all sensitive people
Don’t want to offend
Understand me, Uma
You don’t look like you once did
You lived
Just got scarred
There's nothing wrong with you
A sack can’t cure, baby, no no
And covering yourself up can never be wrong
Ask the Taliban
Don't you know how much better my digestion can be
I'm asking you baby to put it on for me
Don’t wanna vomit
Don’t wanna puke, puke now, baby
So c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, Uma
Stop showing off your mug

Just put it on
Just put it on
You know what I'm talkin' 'bout
C'mon, Uma
Let that bag come out
So this meatloaf stays down
Just put it on
Just put it on, baby
This minute, oh yeah
Just put it on
Please, just put it on

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, baby
Stop showin’ off that puss
Oh, gonna put it on
Don’t wanna threaten' you, baby
I want ya to put it on
You don't have to worry that it's wrong
That sack behooves ya
Would be a good move, ya know
Let that burlap come down
Oh, put it on
C'mon, baby
Your face just keep on peeling
It’s been chicken fried
Girl, I got a queasy feeling

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Albuquerque, New Mexico  (to the tune of "Detroit, Michigan" by Andre Williams)

Albuquerque, New Mexico!

Talkin' 'bout beds, beds, beds
We got 'em
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout fine, fine beds
We got 'em
Albuquerque, New Mexico

It's been a long time, at least a week
Since the last time you had a sheet
Everyone's happy, without a doubt
It even looks like Johnny's hook is stickin' out

Talkin' 'bout sports, sports, sports
We got 'em
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout girl's football
We got it (lookee here)
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Sectioned off from the rest of the world
We're bound to have a few sports featuring girls
It isn't like our girls are cows
But rather all our boys have turned to zombies by now

Albuquerque, New Mexico
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Albuquerque, New Mexico
What I say
Albuquerque, New Mexico
One more time
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Talkin' 'bout Spam kitchens
We got 'em
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout cans, cans, cans
We got 'em
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Johnny's stoked about the Spam
Overcompensates for his lost hand
Minnesota ain't a Pacific beach
Keep the pineapple off my canned meat please

Talkin' 'bout Uma Bags, wit' no shoes, now
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout Hoa the crook, she so lonely
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout Clem and his gun, gonna shoot you
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout Cannon's dong, gonna go and squirt you
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout Buck, Buck, Buck; token Injun
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Talkin' 'bout Johnny the cook, time for fasting
Albuquerque, New Mexico

[hoa nguyen]

“THIS ARM OF MINE” (A song for Johnny to sing to the tune of “These Arms of Mine” by Otis Redding)

This arm of mine
It is lonely, lonely and feeling blue
This arm of mine
It is missing, missing the days when I had two

And if I could still hold a rifle
Oh, how grateful I would be

This arm of mine
It’s wanting, wanting to stir the stew
This arm of mine
It’s crying, crying about what it can’t do

And if I could still hold a rifle
Oh, how grateful I will be
Come on, come on, DM
Just let it grow back, just let me heal, oh
I need my needle, needle to make it right, oh
I need Sister Morphine to hold me tight
And I...I...I need...I need to forget this steel hook

This arm of mine
It is burning, burning like a flame
This arm of mine
I think I collapsed, collapsed another vein

[Brand Nar Gath]

Johnny to the tune of Trouble, by Cat Stevens

Johnny
Oh Johnny don'tcha be
cookin your hash wherever
These people don't deserve this ignominy

Johnny
Oh Johnny can't you see
Meatloaf is eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You've tried to make your pineapple fine
But you can't cook for shit
But you can't cook for shit

I don't want no more of this poo
So won't you be kind to Outpost 99
Just let me go where
l have to go to  get some air

Johnny
Oh Johnny move away
I have named my dog after you
and it's too much for me today

Johnny
Oh Johnny can't you see
You've wrecked another digestive tract
Now won't you leave me with my dysentery

I've seen your supplies
and I can see spoiled ingredients,
and bugs,
Crawlin on me
Crawlin on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Threatened with bags to be worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Johnny
Oh Johnny move from me
I have pained my gut
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Johnny
Oh Johnny please be kind
I don't want no plate
And I sure won't pay you a dime

[hoa nguyen]

Johnny to the tune of Trouble, by Cat Stevens

Johnny
Oh Johnny don'tcha be
cookin your hash wherever
These people don't deserve this ignominy

Johnny
Oh Johnny can't you see
Meatloaf is eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You've tried to make your pineapple fine
But you can't cook for shit
But you can't cook for shit

I don't want no more of this poo
So won't you be kind to Outpost 99
Just let me go where
l have to go to  get some air

Johnny
Oh Johnny move away
I have named my dog after you
and it's too much for me today

Johnny
Oh Johnny can't you see
You've wrecked another digestive tract
Now won't you leave me with my dysentery

I've seen your supplies
and I can see spoiled ingredients,
and bugs,
Crawlin on me
Crawlin on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Threatened with bags to be worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Johnny
Oh Johnny move from me
I have pained my gut
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Johnny
Oh Johnny please be kind
I don't want no plate
And I sure won't pay you a dime

I dunno. I don't think his cooking's that bad.

Then again, I got an iron stomach and shit.

[Brand Nar Gath]

I dunno. I don't think his cooking's that bad.

Then again, I got an iron stomach and shit.
[/quote]
c'mon Hoa, little xageration never hurt a filk.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Hook Hand Cleaver  (to the tune of "Cat Scratch Fever" by the Nuge)

Well I don't know where to buy one
But it would sure beat a gun
Can't load a gun with a hook
And when I'm done choppin' up bikers
And it's covered with blood
I'll wipe it off 'fore I cook

I need a hook hand cleaver
Hook hand cleaver

It chops through leather armor
Even hacks right through bone
Still slices 'maters with ease
See, they've printed "Ginsu"
Way up high on the side
Hoa, tell me, is that Chinese?

I need a hook hand cleaver
Hook hand cleaver
I need a hook hand cleaver
Hook hand cleaver

It's oh so useful
In my domain
On my grill r-r-range
No longer need you to help cut onions
Keep you all from cryin' cryin'
Oh those tears you

I can't chop, slice or stir as
A one armed man
I think we all can agree
The cleaver would be useful
For all things hand to hand
And for things culinary

I need a hook hand cleaver
Hook hand cleaver
I need a hook hand cleaver
Hook hand cleaver

[Johnny The Cook]

Note to Oprah:

Can I get a Hook Hand Cleaver?

[Johnny The Cook]

Pick on Johnny (sung to the tune of "Come Back Jonee" by DEVO)

Let’s pick on Johnny
Let’s all pick on poor Johnny 
We’ll pick on Johnny 
Johnny’s a clown
Fun to put him down
Let’s make him cry

Johnny can’t cook
He’s got a funny hook

Johnny went to the kitchen
They had some cans of spam
And he was in a jam
He had to spend two actions points
For food that disappoints
He must be high

His food will slay
Shoulda brought Bobby Flay

After the meat loaf
We can laugh at his hook hand
Point at his half-a-tattoo
Make fun of his morphine habit
But he’s good in a fight now,
A deadly guy
Still he is a goon
Johnny’s a buffoon
Pick on Johnny